Tag Archives: sex

The one word females use that all males should fear (and how to handle it).

6th April 2017 Dougie Brimson 4 Comments

As I sit here watching the news on TV, the female news anchors are talking about the subject of equal pay and equality in the work place.

They are obviously pissed, as they should be of course. After all, the fact that in 2017 females don’t earn the same as a male colleague is somewhat shameful.

Yet interestingly, they are not saying as much. Instead, they are skirting around what they actually think and are generalising. Professional yes, but you can tell that inside they are seething at the injustice of it.

By a strange coincidence, I am also editing the sequel to my novel Billy’s Log and if you’ve read the original (and if not, why the f**k not?) then you will know that it examines many of the differences between the two sexes, albeit in a slightly tongue-in-cheek manner. Ironically, one of the subjects I tackle in both books is the issue of language.

As any male will know, one of the great complaints women have about us is that we don’t understand them and that’s true. What they don’t get of course, is that it’s because they talk a different language. So with that in mind, I thought this might be a good time to briefly tackle one particular element of the ongoing battle of the sexes. It’s one that is dear to my heart, mostly because I’ve fallen foul of it on more occasions than I care to remember, and is a particular word. One which actually has three genuine definitions within the English language but which, when it comes to female-speak, has multiple meanings, all of which spell trouble for the average bloke. It is, in effect, the relationship H-bomb.

That word is ‘fine’.

To us men, fine means either OK, thin or sunny. To females, it means only one thing: that she isn’t happy. If she says ‘it’s fine’ or ‘that’s fine’ and delivers the words through pursed lips, gritted teeth or in a tone that’s considerably lower or slower than normal, she isn’t happy at all. Incredibly, the average female is even able to convey this angst in email, messenger or tweet form when it will generally be delivered in a short and very sharp manner.

However it’s delivered, its arrival should start to ring alarm bells in the average bloke because irrespective of the reasons behind it -and it might not be your fault or even have anything to do with you- what she is actually doing is testing you as her partner. It could be your understanding of her, her emotions and her needs or even the importance you place on her but it is vital, for your own wellbeing, that you not only understand what the problem is but know how to respond. And you have literally seconds to act. Any longer and will pay. Be it in the form of a ‘you don’t understand me’ attack, or a simple sulk. Get it right however, and you’re quids in.

There is however, a relatively simple way for the male to totally neutralise the threat of fine. Depending on where you are in a relationship, it takes either forward planning or simple nerve but it is possible and all it takes is for you to sit your partner down and deliver this one simple sentence:

‘If you say you’re fine, from now on I’m going to assume that you are actually fine.’

This is of course, a risky tactic as you are in effect stripping them of weaponry and it may even be met with the response of ‘fine’ and all that goes with it (see above). But if you stick to your guns when the tests come -and they will come- and simply respond with a smile and ‘OK’ or ‘that’s good’ then you will inevitably force her to back down and say what she actually means.

Which has to be better for everyone right?

@dougiebrimson

Just in case you didn’t already know, all of my books and DVD’s are available from both Amazon and iTunes.

Further information at dougiebrimson.com

beer,lads,women,men,relationships,sex,love,romance,author,screenwriting,ebooks,self publishing, indie film,football

men, romance, women

Women rule the world? Please god no.

8th February 2017 Dougie Brimson Leave a comment

I am, as many people will be aware, a male of a certain age. To be specific, I’ve just turned 58 and am proud to say that I have lived something of a life.

This has equipped me with all kinds of beliefs and opinions the bulk of which have been forged by two things that have sadly become under-rated commodities these days; experience and common sense. Indeed, I have often thought that politics should be divided not on the concept of left or right but on the basis of smart and stupid.

As a consequence, I have long held the opinion that the country, if not the planet, should be run by women. OK, they have their failings (handbags, cushions and the Kardashians being amongst the most obvious) but generally speaking, they are far more sensible and practical than we males. My dad for example, is a reasonably intelligent bloke but if bringing up 6 kids had been left to him we’d have been feral within weeks.

However, and it pains me to say this, that belief has been tossed aside in recent weeks. Not because of the laughable anti-Trump protests or even the infestation of Twitter by a growing legion of rabid leftie tarts, but because I have been writing the sequel to my novel Billy’s Log.

If you’ve read the original, you’ll know that it was (is) an examination of romance from a male perspective and in it I explored the idea that the whole thing had become skewed to the point where far too many men had little or no idea about what made the average female tick let alone what they actually wanted.

Thankfully, I seemed to hit the mark with it and for ten years, people have been asking me to do a sequel if only to see how the hero fared. Much as I loved the idea, I was reluctant to revisit the subject matter because I was concerned that not only would it end up as little more than a celebration of loserdom but also that it would lack any real substance. I need not have worried because if anything, the world of the desperate male singleton has become even more confused over the last decade. Primarily because women seem to have become even more crazed than they were ten years ago.

Indeed, one of the problems I’ve had with this book is not what to put in, but what to leave out although I’ve been helped by the fact that there are issues that I’ve been reluctant to explore too deeply, even from a comedic aspect. The world of internet porn being just one example!

I have a few tweaks to do yet (and a decent title to find) then it’ll head into the publishing process but suffice to say, Billy’s Log 2 is on the way. I hope it’ll be worth the wait.

In other news:

Three Greens is on it’s way to pre-production and the team is hoping to be able to make a huge announcement about our principal cast within the week.

In addition, I’ve been working on an entirely new project which I hope to be able to announce after the Berlin Film Festival which starts tomorrow.

Positive vibes please people! The more the better!

@dougiebrimson

Just in case you didn’t already know, all of my books and DVD’s are available from both Amazon and iTunes.

Further information at dougiebrimson.com

screenwriting, author, ebooks, kindle, green street, writing

</script>

author, romance, screenwriting, soccer, writing

Goodbye 2013… You were the year that was!

28th December 2013 Dougie Brimson 4 Comments

fate, writing, author, screenwriter So that’s it, almost done. Another year, another 12 months of highs and lows which when bundled together, forge the latest instalment of the soap opera that is my life.

I’m not normally one to look backwards and indeed, recently tweeted ‘just because the past taps you on the shoulder, it doesn’t mean you have to look back’ which kind of sums up my outlook on life these days. However, 2013 is worthy of a bit of retrospect if only because in terms of my career, it was a game changer.

Key to this was inevitably Top Dog. Indeed, 12 months ago the very idea of my ten year old novel hitting the big screen was little more than a very distant pipe dream yet here we are, teetering on the edge of a first screening and all the furore which will (hopefully) come with a release. Thanks for that must go largely to Jonathan Sothcott, Martin Kemp and of course, Leo Gregory who have driven it through from concept to reality and along the way taught me more about the creative process than any college or university could ever have.

To say it’s been an experience would be an understatement but unlike working on Green Street which was nothing less than a bloody nightmare, this time round it’s been a blast and I can only say thanks to everyone who made it so. The entire cast and crew were magnificent to work with and fingers crossed, we’ll do it all again very soon.

On the publishing front, it’s been a brilliant year and I’m very proud of the fact that I now have books going back into print with more lined up to follow. That would not have happened without the combined efforts of Matt at the eBook partnership and Darren of Caffeine Nights Publishing and I owe a huge debt of gratitude to you both.

But equally, I have to say a massive thank you to everyone who has continued to support me by buying my books because in many ways, you are the most important people of all in my creative life. I certainly wouldn’t be sitting here writing this without your support and rest assured, you are and always will sit firmly at the top of my ‘keep happy’ list because without you, god only know’s where I’d be!

And so it’s onto 2014. A year which will see Top Dog hit the screens, the filming and release of We Still Kill the Old Way as well as the publication of at least two books. And that’s just what I have confirmed at the moment because the truth is, there could be more. Much more.

Indeed, whilst I’ll long remember this last year for all kinds of reasons, the one thing that will stick with me forever is that fate has method in its madness.

So goodbye 2013, you really were something special. But 2014 is going to blow you out of the water.

Happy new year everyone. Bring it on.

Despite having been around for what seems like forever, The Crew continues to sell well in both paper and eBook format which I suspect has much to do with the revised cover featuring a certain Mr Gregory. To answer a number of questions on the subject, no, the picture is not a still from Top Dog (you can see lots of those by clicking here) but was actually taken before filming commenced. When Top Dog is reissued it will feature a similar style cover as will the third book in the series which will hopefully be ready for publication late next year.

Wings of a Sparrow is also selling well in both formats and yes, I totally agree with everyone who has told me it would make a great movie! Sadly, whilst I have a script written it is not I who has to put up the money to make it but trust me, finding that finance is high on my ‘to do’ list for 2014!

author, british film, ebook, sex, writing

Boycott Russia? F**k that.

26th August 2013 Dougie Brimson Leave a comment

homophobia, russia, football, sex, epublishing, self-publishing, protest, gay

I am off to Russia next month. This is a statement of fact.

I’ve been invited by the organising committee of the St. Petersburg International Film Festival to talk at the inaugural programme of football films and will at the same time be doing some PR for the launch of the Russian language edition of Wings of a Sparrow. If you didn’t know, I sell more books in that great nation than I do in any other country bar the UK.

This will actually be my third visit and as someone who spent many of their formative years serving in a military which was totally focussed on the threat posed by the former Soviet Union, as a country it has a special and obvious significance. But it is I have to say, an amazing place primarily because of the wonderful Russian people.

However, back in my home country news of my impending visit has attracted some flak. Now the receipt of grief is not an unusual occurrence for me and usually, as someone who sits firmly in the ‘if they’re slagging you, at least they’re aware of you’ camp, negative comments are generally warmly welcomed but this time it’s different. This time it’s irritated me.

The reason for this most recent bout is because, according to some, I should have refused my invitation as a protest against the recently introduced laws banning the promotion of homosexuality in Russia. The fact that I didn’t apparently makes me a traitor to the industry I have somehow found myself working in and has even attracted inferences that I am homophobic.

I have no intention of defending myself against that accusation because I don’t have to. But what really grips me is the hypocrisy of some of those people throwing this bullshit in my direction. The bulk of whom are only throwing it because they know they’d never receive such an invitation in the first place and if they did, no doubt they’d bite off the hand which offered it and wouldn’t hesitate to do so.

And let’s take that a bit further. For if these people are so anti-Russia, can we expect them to protest outside the Bolshoi Ballet when it visits London or the Moscow State Circus when it next tours the UK? Similarly, will any of those struggling to make a living in the acting profession turn down a role in a movie which would involve filming in Russia or for that matter, a part in a movie written by the traitor Brimson? Would they bollocks.

And since they are so apparently keen on homosexual rights, why are they not encamped outside the Saudi embassy? Or for that matter, any of the many which represent nations which all but encourage the very worst kind of homophobia?

The fact they’re not kind of proves my point. If you want to talk the talk, walk the fucking walk.

I certainly have my opinions about what the Russian government have done and if I’m asked during my stay there, I will respond accordingly. But the bottom line for me is that it’s their country, not mine just as it is someone else’s fight, not mine.

And I’m certainly not going to miss out on a trip to a country I have come to love simply to appease people who in some cases have simply jumped on the back of Stephen Fry’s latest trendy cause.

A couple of snippets to pass on: Aside from the aforementioned publication of Wings of a Sparrow in Russia, I’m thrilled to tell you that thanks to publishers Caffeine Nights, October will also see it published in print here in the UK. They will also be re-releasing The Crew and early next year, a very special movie-tie in edition of Top Dog.

I will release more details on that closer the time but you can pre-order Wings of a Sparrow here.

I’m also quite excited to let you know that within the next couple of weeks, details should be released regarding a new movie project I’ve been working on. This one is literally going to be old school and is going to take things in an entirely different direction. Filming is scheduled for Feb 2014 and if we can secure anywhere near our proposed cast, it’s going to be a genuine British epic!

As Top Dog rolls ever closer toward filming, could I please remind everyone that details regarding casting will be announced on both Facebook and Twitter when the time is right so please don’t mail me or anyone else involved with the project as we simply have nothing to tell you at the moment.

In addition, and without wishing to cause offence, with so many things on the go that my meagre brain is struggling to cope, I for one have no time to record details of anyone wanting to be considered and I’m certainly not going to remember you. Please… just keep your eye out!

author, british film, ebook, sex, writing

Boycott Russia? F**k that.

26th August 2013 Dougie Brimson Leave a comment

homophobia, russia, football, sex, epublishing, self-publishing, protest, gay

I am off to Russia next month. This is a statement of fact.

The fact they’re not kind of proves my point. If you want to talk the talk, walk the fucking walk.

And I’m certainly not going to miss out on a trip to a country I have come to love simply to appease people who in some cases have simply jumped on the back of Stephen Fry’s latest trendy cause.

I will release more details on that closer the time but you can pre-order Wings of a Sparrow here.

Amazon, author, bloke, books, comedy, ebook, kindle, money, romance, sex, shopping, soccer, Uncategorized, writing

Why adapting my own novel for the screen is so traumatic!

29th January 2013 Dougie Brimson Leave a comment

As you may have noticed, it’s been over a month since I last blogged which is, to say the least, somewhat tardy. I do however have an excuse as I have actually been working flat out on a screen adaptation of my novel, Top Dog.

I won’t go too deeply into the background of how this came about but suffice to say, the whole thing happened and progressed extremely quickly. Indeed, I actually mailed off the completed first draft yesterday so am now in that horrible no-man’s land where I am waiting for feedback from the producer and lead actor and hoping that not only will they like it but that this isn’t the script or book which finally exposes me as a talentless hack.

That said, it’s all very exciting stuff and if you would like further details, they can be found here in The Hollywood Reporter.

The interesting thing for me has been revisiting an old friend, the central character in both Top Dog and The Crew, Billy Evans. Although now he isn’t the slightly chubby dark haired bloke I had always imagined him to be, he is now… well, Bovver from Green Street. Or to be more precise, the awesome Leo Gregory.

This has actually been quite a difficult thing to get my head around. After all, Billy has been part of my life for a very long time now and whilst people you care about come in and out of your existence for all kinds of reasons, young Mr. Evans has not just featured in two novels, but is also in the third I’m currently working on.

So as someone who actually pictures scenes in my head as I’m writing them, whilst in essence his identity remains the same for him to suddenly take on a whole new form has been extremely confusing. Not least because many of the mannerisms and much of the banter I associate with him is no longer relevant.

But I think I’ve pulled it off and as it stands the script stays quite close to the plot of the book in most respects which is after all, the most important thing. It’ll certainly be interesting to see how much of it actually makes it to the screen. If not a little disconcerting.

Aside from that, I’ve been busily doing media work to promote my latest comedy novel Wings of a Sparrow and, not to put too fine a point in it, sell books. On which note, thank you to everyone who has downloaded one of my books and my eternal gratitude to everyone who has taken the time to leave a review somewhere. I know I have said it a million times but they really do help in all kinds of ways.

If you would like to purchase any of my numerous books, links to all the various online sites can be found here.

Amazon, author, bloke, books, comedy, ebook, England, politics, racism, sex, shopping, Tory, Uncategorized, writing

English for English. It’s common sense!

23rd December 2012 Dougie Brimson 2 Comments

england, english, language, dialogue, sport, football, soccer, racism, racist, NHS, hospital, police, brimson, hooligans, ebooks, kindle, amazon, itunes I was going to write a long rant this morning about a subject which over this last year, has become an increasing source of not just irritation, but actual anger.

However, the more I talk about this particular issue with other people the more I realise that this is one of those rants which is becoming increasingly universal. Indeed, once you get to the end of this blog my guess is that you will at worst have a degree of empathy with the point, at best simply say ‘about effing time someone said that!’

So with that in mind, here we go.

If you walk into any government building or have any kind of contact with a major commercial organisation, you will be informed at some point that any or all information is available in a variety of languages. Indeed, in the case of somewhere like a hospital, council office or police station, there will be posters and leaflets imparting that knowledge pretty much everywhere.

This is of course, how it should be -after all, we live in a multi-cultural society- however, it is a fact that any nation is defined by various things one of which is its language. Therein lies my problem.

You see I am and will always regard myself as English. Not British, not European, English, And last time I looked, I live in England and the language of my homeland is English which just happens to be the most widely spoken and understood language on the planet.

So with that in mind, if I contact an organisation of any description which is based in England and find myself dealing with an individual who can barely speak my language let alone impart the often complex knowledge I require, why am I made to feel like either an idiot or a racist if I ask to speak to someone I can actually understand? Or for that matter, who understands me? Isn’t that a perfectly fair and reasonable request?

Of course it bloody well is!

Yet too many organisations seem quite happy to place people in customer facing positions who, whilst they might be perfectly competent in most respects, are clearly unable to carry out their function correctly simply because of their inability to communicate. That isn’t good enough, not in this day and age. However, the only way things will ever change is if we, as both taxpayers and consumers, start to demand it and on a regular basis.

So do it!

This will be my last blog before Christmas and so I’d like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a happy holiday and a brilliant New Year.

I’m not normally one for the festive season but I’m really looking forward to this one not least because it will herald in 2013 which for all kinds of reasons, is already shaping up to be a quite amazing year.

So to all those I have met, worked or had dealings with in 2012, especially those who are involved in new or ongoing projects, please take some time to relax, have fun and recharge your batteries because I don’t know about you, I’m planning on next year being the really big one and if you can’t keep up, you may well miss out!

And don’t forget, if you are lucky enough to receive an eReader as a gift on the 25th, you can download all of my books for around about £10.00 and that includes my latest, Wings of a Sparrow which is currently receiving great reviews and is already the subject of movie talk!

Enjoy!

author, bloke, books, comedy, ebook, kindle, romance, sex, shopping, Uncategorized, writing

Men are from Mars, women just want Mars. And perhaps a Twix.

5th December 2012 Dougie Brimson 2 Comments

sex, masturbation, vibrator, bullet, chocolate, football, women, oral, orgasm, pornography There’s a great deal of talk in the media today about a survey which claims that almost a quarter of all women would rather give up sex than chocolate.

The reporting, naturally, is full of inferences and double entendre’s but it is generally and inevitably slanted toward the female of the species and as always with such things, attempts to undermine the average bloke by inferring he is a poor substitute for a Dime bar.

However, all of this reporting has missed one very important fact. A fact which actually sits at the very heart of the ongoing battle of the sexes and the position we blokes currently find ourselves in.

I won’t go into it all too deeply because I’ve written about it plenty of times before and in reality, I don’t really need to. Instead, let me just ask the males reading this two simple questions:

A) How would you react if you’re partner joked that she’d rather forgo you than Dairy Milk?

B) How would your partner react if you jokingly told her that you’d rather give up her than football?

Let me take a punt here and say that most of you will provide something similar to the following answers:

A) Make some smart arsed comment along the lines of ‘I’ll just pop down the shops now then’ or simply laugh it off and then instantly forget it.

B) Either she would: take it personally and go into a sulk AND log it into her memory bank to be wheeled out at some point in the future as proof that I didn’t care/love her AND she would almost certainly use it as the basis for some kind of future test to prove my love/commitment OR I wouldn’t dare ask that for the reasons already outlined.

Do I really need say any more? We really do need to start manning up a bit…

As (hopefully) most people know by now, my new book Wings of a Sparrow was published last weekend and is currently selling ahead of expectations which is both awesome and humbling. As yet, it’s only available on Amazon but the iTunes version should be available any day now which should boost sales even further.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is thanks to everyone who has downloaded it thus far and to those of you who have helped spread the word around the on-line community.

For indie authors such as myself (because that’s what going wholly digital actually means I now am) word of mouth is the best publicity we can possibly have which is why I try and involve my readers (that’s you guys) in the whole process.

As I’ve said thousands of times, the reader is the most important person in the entire publishing process and that’s never been more true than it is in these days of kindles and the like.

So once again, thanks and please, keep spreading the word because if people keep buying them, I’ll keep writing them. On which note, in response to both feedback and sales, I’m currently working on the third book in the Billy Evans trilogy. I won’t say too much at this point but I can tell you that it’s already shaping up to be the best (and most violent) book of the three.

Should be ready by late spring.

Amazon, books, comedy, ebook, kindle, moaning, romance, sex, soccer, Tory, Uncategorized, writing

Happy days!

10th November 2012 Dougie Brimson 1 Comment

Happy Days, Wings of a sparrow

Yes, you read that right… I am indeed happy!

The reason for this astonishing change in my mood is that I have finally finished work on my 15th book, Wings of a Sparrow. A comedy about a fanzine editor who inherits ownership of his hated local rivals (think Brewster’s Million’s meets Fever Pitch).

I first had the idea for this book over 6 years ago and indeed, actually posted the first few chapters online to see how people would react to it. Yet in spite of the feedback being universally positive, I became sidetracked by other projects and it kept getting put on hold. Now, thanks largely to the freedom provided by epublishing, I’ve been able to go back to it and well, it’s done!

The plan is to release it just before Christmas but I will of course post all news of that both here and on my website at dougiebrimson.com

Just to remind everyone, I recently dropped the prices of all of my titles across the board with, it has to be said, huge success. When it comes to eBooks, price low, sell loads definitely seems to be the way to go!!!

Most, including The Art of Fart are now just 99p with Top Dog and Billy’s Log being pegged at £1.99. The Crew is, as always, totally free to download and remains at #1 on all of it’s charts. That’s well into 14 straight months now!

See, happy days! But don’t worry, it won’t last. My normal grumpy service will be resumed shortly!

Amazon, bloke, books, comedy, ebook, kindle, romance, sex, soccer, Uncategorized, writing

If Carlsberg wrote book Reviews…

28th September 2012 Dougie Brimson 2 Comments

fart, sex, love, anal, "bodily functions" penguins, vibrators — The Art of Fart – still a bargain!

There has recently been a great deal of discussion amongst the publishing community about the subject of reader reviews and in particular some of the unsavoury practices being employed to exploit them to promote books . These range from the appalling practices of paying for them through to unscrupulous authors who use fake names to slag off their opposition.

Now when it comes to selling books, especially self-published books, reader reviews are vital. They are after all, the nearest thing the electronic world has to word of mouth which is and always well be, the best selling tool of all. That’s why we authors cajole, bully even beg readers to write them.

Generally speaking however, reader reviews aren’t written for us they are written for other readers and no author worth their salt would consider them in any other way. We read them of course, all of them, and any mid-lister who says they don’t is a liar. But any author who responds to a reader review, especially a negative one, is not only a fool but is marking themselves out as the amateur they obviously are. They are also opening themselves up for a whole world of pain from the review Mafia who trawl the web looking for authors who behave badly and when they find one, latch on to them like a dog with a bone.

As writers however, reader reviews do have more uses than promoting books and polishing our ego’s (or not as the case might be). In fact they are invaluable. For not only do they provide us with excellent feedback on what we’re doing but they can be fabulous pointers toward what we should be doing. As an example, as a direct result of reviews left for my books I know that there are eager readers desperate for sequels to both Top Dog and Billy’s Log and so next year, I’ll be writing both.

But there is another benefit to the reader review and it is one which is rarely spoken of. Primarily I suspect, because they come along all too rarely. I speak of those reviews which actually take our work and add to it. I received one such review today and it’s the sole reason why I’m sitting here writing this blog when I should actually be putting the finishing touches to my next book! Because reviews like this are what it’s all about. Or at least they are to me.

It relates to my most recent book The Art of Fart (a book which is as different from my normal output as it is possible to get) and was posted on Amazon UK this morning. Not only does it perfectly sum up what the book is about and why I simply had to write it, but it made me roar with laughter.

Read it and weep.

5.0 out of 5 stars A look at the dark bottom arts, 28 Sep 2012

By Mr. B. A. French “bazzafrench” (Witham, Essex, UK) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
Amazon Verified Purchase(What is this?)
This review is from: The Art of Fart: The Joy of Flatulence! (Kindle Edition)
The short and amusing books, as the name suggests, explores the dark art of farting.

I think everyone has a fart which they are particularly proud of (or ashamed, depending on your school of thought). I remember mine vividly. Goodness knows what I had been eating the night before, because if I knew I would eat it again tonight. I was stood in the small and confined kitchen at work happily brewing a cup of tea, when suddenly I felt something escape through my sphincter and drop down my trouser leg. It was none of my business and just kind of happened.

The smell was unbelievable. You know it is a bad one when your own brand makes you eyes water. The kettle couldn’t boil fast enough as I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Just as I thought things couldn’t get worse, my boss walked in. My boss then was a crabby 60 something stuck-up bitch. Ironically, she always wore an expression on her face as if she had a fart permanently under her nose.

Nearly gagging, she asked was the smell was. I was about to come clean and say I had a bad stomach (a boring, but safe excuse) when she opened the fridge door and started sniffing like the old dog she was. Thankfully, she thought something had gone off in the fridge and completely cleaned it out – and I mean everything. She chucked everybody’s lunch away and sent a snotty email saying she’d take the fridge away if people didn’t maintain it. Several people went hungry that day and I had nearly condemned an innocent kitchen appliance to the scrapheap all because of my noxious arse.

It still brings a smile to my face even today. My brother once farted so bad it made a mate of mine sick. I was proud to have out trumped him so to speak.

If you think that I am a vile and distrusting human being, then I’ll be honest with you, this book is not for you. However, if you would like to shake my hand as a genius, then I suggest you download it now.

Happy farting people.

PS: If you visit my Facebook page, the legend that is Barry French has posted an additional and equally hilarious farting anecdote.

violence, racism, racist, anal sex, oral sex, burlesque — The Crew. Still #1

Thanks to everyone who has downloaded my novel The Crew and as a consequence, have kept it at the top of the Amazon UK free sports book download charts for over a year now. That’s some record although it seems to have gone largely unnoticed by pretty much everyone outside of my readership. Anyway, you’re all legends.

As I say, the third book in this series is on the way!

A Write Old Life.

Tag Archives: sex

The one word females use that all males should fear (and how to handle it).

As I sit here watching the news on TV, the female news anchors are talking about the subject of equal pay and equality in the work place.

That word is ‘fine’.

Women rule the world? Please god no.

I am, as many people will be aware, a male of a certain age. To be specific, I’ve just turned 58 and am proud to say that I have lived something of a life.

In other news:

Goodbye 2013… You were the year that was!

Boycott Russia? F**k that.

Boycott Russia? F**k that.

Why adapting my own novel for the screen is so traumatic!

English for English. It’s common sense!

Men are from Mars, women just want Mars. And perhaps a Twix.

Happy days!

If Carlsberg wrote book Reviews…

The official blog of author and screenwriter Dougie Brimson www.dougiebrimson.com