Not so long ago, someone contacted me and suggested that I should consider writing my autobiography.
Primarily because I doubt anyone would actually be interested in what passes for my life let alone the fact that hopefully, I’m only half way through my time amongst you mere mortals, I initially dismissed this idea. However, it did get me thinking about some of the things that have happened to me over the years because it’s fair to say that I am one of those people that ‘things’ seem to happen to.
Of course ‘things’ covers a multitude of sins and whilst it is fair to say that many of my experiences over the years are by my own design (and for that read ‘fault’), others seem to be guided by exterior forces. Indeed, I’ve long believed myself to be little more than a Subbutteo man being flicked around by some other entity for their own amusement.
Now whilst this has made my life thus far extremely interesting, there is an inherent problem attached to being someone who experiences ‘things’ and that is that when I look back on them, I do occasionally struggle to believe that some of them actually happened at all. And if I struggle, how on earth could I relate the tale to anyone else and expect them to believe it?
What makes it worse is that often, these ‘things’ involve detailed and quite lengthy explanations. Many of which are themselves of such a bizarre nature that they themselves, fall into the ‘are you sure?’ category.
For example, I know exactly why and how a very famous gravestone was liberated from it’s ‘home’ and ended up crossing the channel but the whole tale is so outlandish (not to mention hilarious) that if I were to relate it in a bar full of lads, I’d be marked down as a simple bullshitter.
Others however, are similarly bizarre yet more easily explainable but the sheer quantity and variety are certainly beyond the scale any normal person would expect to endure in a normal lifetime and would, if committed to print, indicate that I am some kind of Forrest Gump figure and I’m not sure I fancy that tag!
So for now at least, the idea of an autobiography will remain firmly on the back burner. However, in the interests of fair play, what follows are a selection of facts about my life all of which have tales attached to them and which if nothing else, might go some way toward explaining why I have ended up as I have!
- I’ve only ever been arrested once and that was for theft of my own property from my own motor vehicle (!). I have however, been arrested twice on ‘The Bill’
- I was almost certainly the first person in the west to know about the Chernobyl disaster (it’s an RAF thing)
- I once ended up in court as a defence witness in a case against someone who was accused of assaulting me (think about it for a second)
- I’ve seen not one, but three planes crash.
- I have stood inside the remains of a building which is possibly the most evil place on earth.
- I was booked on the ‘Spirit of Free Enterprise when it sank outside Zeebrugge but cancelled the trip at the last minute.
- I’ve had numerous experiences of the ghostly kind over the years!
- I once had a German policeman point a gun at my forehead and switch the safety catch to ‘off’
- I’ve had two mates die in front of me. Both as a result of motorbikes.
- I’m afraid of heights. And by afraid, I mean terrified.
- I once stole a parrot.
- I inserted 14 things into Green Street which are either ‘in-jokes’ or refer to something very personal and they all made it onto the screen. Some will forever remain a secret. I also put some into Top Dog and We Still Kill The Old Way.
- I used to sell condoms for a living.
- I was once trapped in my car for 24 hours during a snow storm.
- I’ve been a guest at Buckingham Palace three times.
- I’ve flown a Harrier jump jet. A real one, not a simulator!
- I have never taken, sniffed or smoked any kind of illegal substance!
- I appear in the James Bond movie, Goldeneye and once had a screen test as a potential presenter of ‘Top Gear’
- I have only been a best man once and that was at a same sex wedding (and it was brilliant!)
Phew……! And that’s only a few of the ones I can tell you about!!!
*As you might have noticed, I have updated this from the original which was first published in 2010!*