Category Archives: british film

A trip to the Lions Den.

police,football,independent film,writingI spent some time in the lion’s den this week. Or to be more specific, I had to attend a police interview at Wimbledon nick.

I won’t go into the circumstances behind my visit here other than to say that those who need to know why I was there already know. However, for those who don’t, I should say that my trip to South-West London was very much by choice as opposed to request and whilst I walked up those steps with a sense of foreboding derived from both inbred guilt and the fact that I’ve slagged them off on numerous occasions, it was for once, an enlightening experience.

In many ways, it reminded me of the series currently running on Channel 4 called 24 Hours in Police Custody which, if you haven’t seen it, follows a group of detectives as they gather evidence against a steady stream of scum bags they have languishing in their cells. It’s remarkable television primarily because it reveals just how passionate they are about securing convictions and taking villains off the streets. Albeit the streets of L*t*n.

Not surprisingly, there have been accusations that what’s screened is a distortion of reality and is edited to provide the police with some much-needed PR. However, having spent some time in the company of a detective this week and listened to him talking about his desire to get to the heart of what is an extremely complicated case, I can tell you with some confidence that it’s the real deal.

Tick tock.

Just in case you didn’t know already, all of my books and DVD’s are available from both Amazon and iTunes


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The fight to write: finding motivation.

write,writing,screenwriting,screenplay,author,hooligan,football,soccer,independent film,When asked about writing, author Neil Gaiman once famously said, “This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until its done. It’s that easy, and that hard.”

He is of course, spot on, well, almost. You see for me the hardest part of the writing process isn’t the actual creativity element, it’s the physical one. Or to be more specific, the act of dragging myself to my desk and actually sitting down at my computer. This is a torture I have to endure on an almost daily basis.

I blame my father, and the military. You see my dad was, and remains, staggeringly lazy and this is one of the many bad habits I’ve inherited from him. But in addition, much of my time in the Royal Air Force was spent employing the ‘minimum input, maximum output’ approach to service life and to be fair, I was bloody good at it. Just ask anyone who worked with me.

But as a writer, I don’t have the luxury of this lifestyle. If I don’t write it, it doesn’t get written and if it doesn’t get written, I don’t eat or get to go to *football/stock car racing/cinema/restaurants *delete as appropriate.

As a consequence, most mornings I have to force myself away from the sofa and the delights of breakfast television and go through what is an increasingly defined ritual to begin my working day. I won’t go into it all as it’s starting to get a bit OCD like, but it is safe to say that both coffee and Solar Radio feature as prominent kick starters in my motivational process!

Occasionally however, I don’t have any trouble getting to my desk. Indeed, sometimes I can’t actually wait to get started and when I hit that point, I know I’m onto something solid. Thankfully, I am there right now. Not with a screenplay, but with the third book in the Billy Evans trilogy.

I’m not going to say too much about the plot at the moment as I want to keep the details quite close to my chest but what I will say is that my favourite anti- hero is coming back with a vengeance.

If all goes to plan, In The Know should be ready for release in a couple of months.

I have not however, forsaken the world of film just yet and in fact, have a new project almost ready to announce. As is the way with such things, the timing of that is down to others with far more power and influence than I have so I will leave that down to them but I can tell you that we have a household name attached to direct and some world-renowned producers holding the reins.

Oh, and it’s going to shock a few people.

Watch this space. 😉

Just in case you didn’t know already, all of my books and DVD’s are available from both Amazon and iTunes


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So you want to be a writer. Part 2.

writing, author, screenwriting, screenplayA couple of years ago, I wrote a blog about how and why I always turn down requests to read things for people who want to embark on the rocky road of penmanship. Or in other words, people who want to write. Be it books or screenplays.

The blog in question can be found here and I’m mentioning it again not because I have softened, but because I recently read something which took my views to a new level. Or rather, said pretty much everything I’d wanted to say in my blog but being polite, hadn’t.

Written in 2009 by Josh Olsen who penned the script for the brilliant A History of Violence, it’s entitled ‘I will not read your fucking script‘ which just about says it all.

Click on the link, and enjoy.

All of my numerous books and DVD’s are available from both Amazon and iTunes

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Actors: smart, mad or just plain stupid.

acting, actor, writing, script, scriptwriting, screenplay, author, independent film, top dog, green street, football, sex, premiership, chelsea, lawLast year, I wrote a blog about the issue of people expecting writers to work for free. The blog, entitled So you want to be a professional writer, attracted numerous comments including some from a number of actors who made the point that if I thought writers had it tough, I should try earning a living doing what they do.

This is, to be fair, true. I know numerous actors who routinely work for little or no money and one only has to look at the number of adverts asking for cast and crew to work for little more than a credit to see that as a profession, acting really is amongst the toughest there is.

Now having been on both sides of this particular coin, first as an extra and then as someone who’s asked people to work for free, I have nothing but admiration for those who want to act and understand only too well that often chances are taken purely to gain experience, exposure or simply to network. As a consequence, if someone comes to work for me for free, not only will I love them forever but I’ll do my utmost to ensure that they looked after to the best of my ability and, just as importantly, they have fun. That is the very least I can do and what they should expect. Sadly, this is not always the case as tales of exploitation bordering on slavery are hardly unusual. Which brings me nicely to the reason for this blog.

The other day I was exchanging tales of life on set with an old mate and he mentioned that on top of everything else, when he did get cast for paid roles it was becoming increasingly normal for him to have to fight for the payment he’d signed for. Sometimes, they didn’t materialise at all.

The fact that he was quite matter-of-fact about this was quite disconcerting but when I asked him what he ever did about being ripped off, his response was a shrug of the shoulders and ‘that’s how it is now’.

But he’s wrong. It’s not ‘how it is’ but ‘how it’s been allowed to become’. And it’s been allowed to become like that not just because of low-budget film making and the explosion of the short movie scene, but because people (and this applies equally to cast and crew) are willing to let themselves be stolen from. And that’s what we’re talking here, theft.

If someone steals your property, you report it to the police without hesitation so if someone refuses to pay you for your working time, why would you not report that to your union? That’s why Equity, the Writers Guild and The Society of Authors exist, to protect us and our working rights!

And if you’re not a member, why not take the guilty party to the small court?  It’s your fundamental right to take legal action and at worst, you’ll be £25 out of pocket. At best, you’ll get paid.

So if what I’ve written strikes a chord with you because you’re in the same situation as my mate, then start to treat your profession professionally and take action. Not just for yourself, but for everyone who’s ever been turned over. Because if you don’t, this exploitation will not only continue, it’ll get worse.

And no one in their right mind wants that.

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manchester united, david moyes, liverpool, british film, ryan giggs, old traffordJust a reminder that We Still Kill The Old Way has been nominated for numerous awards at the Action Elite Awards This is a public vote so please, click on the link and do it!

Ahead of that, Top Dog has been nominated in the ‘Best Action’ category at the National Film Awards 2015. Voting has now closed so hopefully, we’ll do OK. Fingers crossed!

 

acting, actor, writing, script, scriptwriting, screenplay, author, independent film, top dog, green street, football, sex, premiership, chelsea, law

Screenwriting: Is age discrimination an actual thing?

author, writing, screenwriting, ebook, indie filmIn my last blog (Why the film world doesn’t owe you a living) I made the point that as a 56 year old male, the chances of you ‘breaking through’ are almost certainly hindered by the fact that you are usually old enough to be the father of the person holding your future in their hands.

The reaction to this was, as expected, mixed. Some people claimed it was shameful of me to compare age to race or even sex as a barrier with others thanking me for saying something that they’d been thinking for for years.

Now in response to the former, I have no idea what it’s like to be anything other than a white male and given that I’m currently 56 and a writer, I think I’m fairly well placed to write about the impact being a 56 year old white male can have on a career as a writer. And since this is my blog… well, I’m sure you know where I’m going with that so please, fill in the blanks yourself.

As for those who agreed with me, which was to be fair, the majority, I’m obviously grateful for all of your comments and if in some small way I’ve inspired you to keep going, then I’m humbled.

Interestingly, the blog generated some extremely positive reaction in the US (someone even linked me with Madonna which is a bit random!) and actually led to a few interviews on the subject one of which was with the website ‘Screenwriting Staffing‘ which has just gone live.

Have a read and please, let me know what you think.

manchester united, david moyes, liverpool, british film, ryan giggs, old traffordJust a reminder that Top Dog has been nominated in the ‘Best Action’ category at the National Film Awards 2015. This is decided by the public so please, click on the link and vote for us.

Could I also remind you that We Still Kill The Old Way is nominated for numerous awards at the Action Elite Awards Again, this is a public vote so please, click on the link and do it!

 

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Why the film world doesn’t owe you a living.

writing, screenwriting, script, author, greenstreet, independent, sex, dolphin, It is, as many people who work in film and TV will be acutely aware, award season. Or to put it another way, the time of the year when backs are slapped (or stabbed in), careers forged (or destroyed) and fortunes made (or lost. Usually in a sea of creative accounting).

The BAFTA’s, Golden Globes and Oscars are the main ones of course, but the business is awash with them and long may it remain so.

There is however, another side to award season. For it’s the time of the year when the hard done by come out from their hovels and give vent to their offence. And by hard done by, I mean those who claim to have it tough.

The two groups currently whining loudest are female directors and black actors and actresses. Both on account of neither group being represented in the best director or best actor/actress categories at the Oscars. This apparently, is an indication of the sexism and racism which runs rife through the entire industry.

What a load of bollocks.

Here’s a newsflash for you. Working in film and TV is tough, really tough. Yes, there is an identikit stereotype who might well have it easier but the bottom line is that breaking into the industry is tough for everybody be they male, female, young, old, white, black, yellow, actor, actress, director or perish the thought, a 56 year old shaven headed writer.

And that leads onto another newsflash; no one makes you do it. You, as a free thinking individual, made the choice to move into the entertainment and creative industry so if it’s not working out for you, dig in, get better and start to create your own opportunities because that’s how you up your chances of things happening for you. That’s how it works, that’s how it’s always worked and to be honest, in an industry where talent and tenacity are kings, that’s how it has to work. If you don’t like that, get out and get out now.

Not just for the sake of your own sanity, but because if you haven’t got the balls to fight that fight or are dependent on either tokenism or a tax-payer funded scheme to get you a job, the industry probably doesn’t really need you anyway.

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manchester united, david moyes, liverpool, british film, ryan giggs, old traffordSpeaking of awards, could I just remind everyone that Top Dog has been nominated in the Best Action Film category at the National Film Awards and that We Still Kill The Old Way is up for all kinds of awards, including Best Action Film, at The Action Elite Awards.

These awards are voted for by the public (that’s you) so if you’ve seen either movie and enjoyed them, please click on the links and do what needs doing!

I’m also not a little chuffed to tell you that Wings of a Sparrow has been optioned by Trebuchet Film Productions and moves are now underway to raise the finance to make it. All being well, that will happen sooner rather than later!

Finally, if all goes to plan I’ll have another film to announce within a couple of weeks. And it’s a real cracker!

oscar, bafta, emmy, film, independent, screenwriting, author, ebooks, kindle, green street, top dog, writing

The Death of Football.

football, soccer, watford, hooligans, gangs, top dog, danny dyer, we still kill the old way, green street, screenwriting, author, screenplay, script, independent filmI am a football fan. This, dear reader, is a well documented fact.

Now to some reading that, it will be natural to assume that if I’m not watching Sky Sports I’ll be trawling the back pages absorbing every fact about every game in every league the world over. Well I have to tell you that this is far from the case. In fact it’s the polar opposite of what I actually do for the truth is, I find the vast majority of football boring as f**k.

You see I am one of those supporters who believe that if their team isn’t playing, it’s not important. For me,  the great game really does begin and end at Watford FC and if they’re not playing, I have more important things to do than be bothered.

This, in essence, is why I rarely get involved in debates about football related issues. Yes, if something’s causing a stir in the media I might sling out the odd comment on twitter or Facebook and occasionally I’ll even blog about something but in the main, I don’t really care. As I say, if it doesn’t impact on life at Vicarage Road, it’s someone else’s problem. And to be honest, there’s usually enough football related drama going on at Watford to negate the need to get involved in crap going on elsewhere.

Once in a while however, something happens at my club which does demand comment. Today is one of those instances.

To give you a bit of background, over the last couple of decades Vicarage Road had developed a reputation as a ground where the concept of atmosphere was alien. There were no terrace anthems of the ‘Keep Right On’ or ‘Blue Moon’ variety, singing and banter amongst the home support was, to put it kindly, subdued. Even general crowd noise usually bordered on the safe side of medium. Certainly not enough to upset the patients in the hospital less than 200 yards away.  

Recently however, a group called the 1881 have sprung up in the home end and things have begun to change. I won’t go into it all in too much detail here but suffice to say, thanks entirely to their efforts, the atmosphere has improved markedly and Vicarage Road is becoming a great place to be on match days.

Pretty much everyone recognises this with even the players frequently pouring compliments upon the fans and in particular the 1881 and with things going well on the pitch as well, you’d think everyone would be happy. You’d think that, but it is apparently not the case. For this morning a letter appeared in the Watford Observer from a gentleman called Ken Connelly.

From what anyone can gather, Ken sits in the same section as the 1881 and he is not pleased. He is not pleased at all. This is that letter.

 http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Geezers-Guide-Football-Mainstream/dp/1840181141 

Now I’m not going to attack Ken personally for what he’s written because he is of course, entitled to his own opinion and strictly speaking, he is absolutely correct. It is indeed illegal to stand at football grounds in this country.

However, aside from lining himself up for what I’m guessing will be a legendary piss taking at the game tomorrow, what he has done is underline one of my biggest gripes about modern football and that is the issue of designated seating.

I understand the case for it, I really do. But that case is based on a history which is no longer relevant in the vast majority of grounds in this country. As a consequence, it has now become the key factor on the demise of the traditional atmosphere at games as well as the main cause of the majority of arguments I’ve seen at Vicarage Road this season.

If there’s anything more annoying than the sight of people wandering up and down at 3.05 with their tickets in their hand looking for ‘their’ seat I can’t imagine what it is. And what’s most annoying about it is that it’s entirely avoidable.

In fact if we are ever to see a return to the safe standing that so many are demanding, designated seating would almost certainly have to be scrapped anyway so why not do it now? Not only would it allow us to sit where we like but it would allow people like Ken to get up and legally move if something or someone was bothering them.

Football grounds are not theatres and crowds are not audiences. For too long now clubs have failed to grasp that simple concept and that has to change.

Because if people like Ken Connelly are allowed to hold sway over the wishes of the majority, football as we know and love it will finally be killed off.

manchester united, david moyes, liverpool, british film, ryan giggs, old traffordIf you don’t know, Top Dog has been nominated in the ‘Best Action’ category at the National Film Awards which will be held at the end of February.

This is a real boost for the film but we need votes! So if you watched the film and enjoyed it, please click on this link and vote!

In other news, I’m currently in the middle of negotiations for options on two new screenplays and all being well, I’ll have these tied up next week so will be able to pass on details fairly soon (although I will tell you that one of them is the adaptation of my football comedy, Wings of a Sparrow).

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5 reasons why I love writing for older actors.

I shall, from the outset, put my cards on the table and say that I am, at least numerically speaking, old. 

I don’t feel old mind, and I certainly don’t act it. But it is fair to say that at 56 I’m much closer to my closing scene than I am to the opening act.

The reason I mention this is because for fairly obvious reasons, my age impacts on my writing output. Rule number two in Doug’s Guide To Writing is ‘write what you know’ and since I know more about being a male over 50 in 2015 than I do about being a teenage lad in 2015, my central characters tend to be older and I hope, more realistic. There will after all, be a part of me in all of them.

Thankfully, this is working to my advantage. We Still Kill The Old Way for example, is clearly receiving more press than most of its contemporaries because of the age of the main cast which is great for me, the film and the actors involved. Most of whom are actually older than I am, which leads me nicely into the central reason for this blog.

You see generally speaking, when I start thinking about a project, be it book or film, one of the first things I consider is who is going to read or watch it. But recently, when it comes to screenplays, I’ve also been thinking about something else, who I can cast. 

And so with that in mind, what follows are 5 reasons why these days I prefer writing for older actors.

Choice – We have a huge untapped source of talent in this country and it isn’t lurking in acting classes or talent schools, it’s working in small theatres or sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring. Sad for them but great for writers like me when you’re working on something and putting together a dream cast because you know that there’s a bigger chance of actually getting them.

Gratitude – The main reason why they’re sitting at home is because the phone rarely rings. And it rarely rings because there are so few decent roles being written for people over 50 (let alone 60 or 70). As a consequence, if you create these age specific roles and cast accordingly, not only are the actors grateful, but they give you everything from vast experience to PR gold!

Talent – To me, it’s criminal that all this amazing acting talent is being allowed to go to waste. Aside from the ones I’ve already worked with, I can think of ten amazing actors and actresses I’d crawl over broken glass to hear reading my words yet I doubt one has had a decent film or TV role in ten years. That’s tragic, not least because, as has been proven with We Still Kill, people actually want to see these great actors on screen.

Fun – If you don’t think working with legends of the entertainment world is fun, you really shouldn’t be writing screenplays.

Inspiration – When an actor you’ve watched for years and who you have nothing but respect for comes up and not only praises your script but thanks you for the opportunity you’ve given them, it’s both humbling and gratifying. But equally, such praise drives you on to create more of the same which is exactly why I currently have two projects in development that will feature ensemble casts of actors over 60.

I can’t wait.

Top Dog, green street, audiobook, hooligans, hooliganism, krays, gangs, ganster

The audio version of Top Dog is now available to download by clicking on the picture to the left.

It’s been narrated by Karl Jenkinson who has done a brilliant job and joins the film, the paperback and the ebook to give a clean sweep for this title which is something of which I’m justly proud.

In other news, details of the script I’ve just had optioned should be made public fairly soon whilst work is progressing on the screen adaptation of Wings of a Sparrow and a new project which is coming together very nicely.

I might also be releasing news of something else I’ve been involved with which may well shock a few people.

Watch this space!

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My year in film: 2014.

film, cinema, screenwriting, writer, script, indie, hooligan, war, Kajaki, Brad Pitt, streep, I forgot to do this in my blog yesterday so, since I’ve no intention of doing anything today other than watching movies, I thought I’d do a quick resume of some of the best and worst movies I saw last year.

Obviously, I’ve not included my own films (primarily because I’ve only watched two-thirds of one and haven’t seen the other at all) but have instead, covered my five from the top and five from the bottom. Feel free to let me know what you think.

My movie of the year was without a doubt, The Grand Budapest Hotel. What I can only describe as a visual and comedy masterpiece, it is Wes Anderson at his absolute finest. I can’t speak highly enough of it other than to say it’s one of those films I’ll happily watch for the rest of my life.

Close behind was a movie released in 2013 but which I saw in the US in February so I’m counting it. If you’re a fan of great acting, then August, Orange County is a must watch. Meryl Streep gives a performance which is quite simply staggering but she’s matched in every scene by the rest of the cast. I watched it again last night and it was just as breathtaking as the first time I saw it.

Another movie I saw whilst in the US at the same time was Inside Llewyn Davies. It’s one of those films where nothing much actually happens but it just swallows you up and is gone before you know it. Loved it.

Two war movies blew me away this year (no pun intended) but for different reasons. Whilst the story was a bit lacking in parts, I have to say that I thought Fury was stunning. However, for sheer tension and realism, Kajaki beats it hands down. The fact that it’s based on a true story makes it even more amazing and if you haven’t seen it, you must.

A number of films promised much but ultimately disappointed me last year. Northern Soul was perhaps the biggest let down because I so wanted to love it to bits and all the hype promised great things. Don’t get me wrong, the music was brilliant and it looked amazing but the story was way off to me.

Another film I really wanted to love was The Hooligan Factory and to be fair, I almost did. The idea of a film which takes the piss out of the whole hoolie-genre was pure genius and all credit to the hugely talented Nick Nevern for getting it to the screen because it almost worked perfectly. But almost is the word which springs to mind whenever I think of it because it could have been Airplane funny and it wasn’t. I actually saw this with Gary Lawrence, my co-writer on We Still Kill The Old Way, and we both made exactly the same comments. I mean, how can you parody Green Street and not include a single hobbit joke?

On the subject of hobbits, as a huge fan of Tolkien, I’ve wallowed in the film adaptations but whilst it remains my favourite all time book, The Hobbit has really disappointed on screen and The Battle of the Five Armies is certainly the worst of the three. If I want to watch a dragged out computer game, I’ll do that. I certainly don’t want to go to the cinema to do it.

Finally, the worst film I saw in 2014 was without doubt, The Other Woman. I don’t even know where to start with the things I hated about this film other than to say if anyone ever wants to torture me, just sit me in front of a DVD player and put it on a loop. I’ll tell you everything you want to know inside 15 minutes.

 script, screenwriting, author, writing, film, cinema, streep, brad pitt, hooligan, gangster, dyer

The Falklands War – My guilty secret.

argentina, falklands war, thatcher, royal airforce, nimrod, vulcan, harrierNormally, at around 4.00 in the afternoon, my writing life will be dominated by one of two things.

If I’m in writing mode, it’ll be the sounds of Bjork in my headphones and if I’m in skiving mode it’ll be some crap TV show like Come Dine With Me or Deal or No Deal as a lounge on the sofa.

Recently however, I have discovered the delights of Simon Mayo on Radio 2 and having been listening to his excellent ‘Confessions’ slot, I have been inspired to confess something of my own. Not because I feel guilty about it and need forgiveness, but because I just feel the time is right to get it off my chest. So here goes…

In 1982, whilst a young, impressionable and innocent Corporal, I was dispatched to Ascension Island as a part of the Royal Air Force detachment involved with the South Atlantic Task Force. For those who do not know, Ascension Island is a volcanic rock in the middle of the South Atlantic. It’s hot, windy and dusty which can make things extremely uncomfortable when you’re living in tents and what with that and the huge amount of aircraft movements taking place, sleep was at a premium during the day.

More importantly, the island is home to a beautiful and very long runway which meant that it provided the perfect operational hub for the men and equipment being put together to repel the Argentinian invasion of the Falkland Islands. As a consequence, by the time I arrived, at around the same time as the first British ships heading for war, it was somewhat busy.

Now, my job will remain secret for reasons which would be obvious if you knew what they were but suffice to say, my shift pattern was 24 on, 24 off. Unfortunately, the ‘on’ portion involved my sergeant and I remaining both awake and alert which whilst fine at first, was not fine after about a week. Zombies comes close.

As a consequence, we began a rota where one would snatch sleep whilst the other remained awake rushing awake doing the work of two men. This worked well for a few days until it all went horribly wrong. Or to be more specific, I cocked it up.

It’s fair to say that being on an active and very busy airfield during time of war is extremely exciting but as you can imagine given our location, the facilities left something to be desired. And by facilities, I mean specifically, toilets.

This was fine for ‘number one’s’ but when the body placed additional demands on you (if you get my drift) you needed an actual toilet. And let’s face it, I wasn’t in the Army, I was in the RAF so our much higher standards meant that we couldn’t just ‘go’ anywhere! 

Unfortunately, the toilets for us lowly airmen were about half a mile away and consisted of what are known universally as ‘long drops’. These being basically long planks of wood with holes cut in them. I will leave you to work out the rest but to say they leave a lot to be desired is an understatement. Especially at 3.00 in the morning when it is pitch black.

war, falklands, ascension, RAF, royal air forceHowever, within one hundred yards of my building on the side of the aircraft pan were four chemical toilets of the sort you see at music festivals and on building sites. The problem for me was that these were specifically for officers, pilots and aircrew and we oikes had been expressly forbidden to use them under pain of disciplinary action. Indeed, so serious was this threat that they were actually surrounded by barbed wire with a small gap providing the only entrance.

As you can imagine, toilet envy became a huge factor in our lives. Something exacerbated by what I can only describe as  the habit of ‘showing off’ by those eligible to use them.

Well, at some ungodly hour of the morning during one particular shift, I was, to be blunt, caught short. With the airfield reasonably quiet and my sergeant fast asleep under his desk, I took the decision that rather than wake him and endure my long walk to the long drops, I would risk it. My thinking being that not only would I be away from my desk for a shorter period but I would obtain a small victory for junior ranks everywhere by taking a dump in the officers bogs. Such victories are, after all, what the British Forces are based on.

So within minutes, I’d crept out of the building and in full SAS mode, has slunk through the darkness across the extremely crunchy volcanic ash and was sitting comfortably doing what came naturally.

Inevitably, after two or three minutes I heard footsteps approaching and it suddenly struck me that I could soon find myself in serious trouble. I was after all, disobeying a direct order. But just as importantly, so could my sergeant who was at the very moment blissfully unaware that I wasn’t actually there holding what should have been a very secure fort whilst he was fast asleep on active duty. Being one of the most serious offences in the military, had he been caught he would almost certainly have faced a court martial which could well have resulted in a prison sentence and demotion if not even dismissal from the service. We were after all, at war.

As all this ran through my brain, all I could do was sit and hope to goodness that the fast approaching officer would not even try the locked door to my cubicle (something which might well have led to him asking who was in there) but would simply enter one of the three empty cubicles thus allowing me time to escape.

It was at this point that I noticed that I had neglected to lock said door and even as I reached for it, it swung open to reveal a very senior officer silhouetted against the South Atlantic sky.

As he took a step forward, I suddenly realised that it was so dark inside that he hadn’t actually seen me sitting there and so all I could to was shout ‘BOO!’ at which point he let out a high pitched scream, turned and ran back at high speed toward the collection of portacabins which formed the operations centre.

Within seconds I was sprinting after him and made it through the gap in the barbed wire just as an alarm went off and all hell broke loose.

By the time I made it back to the safety of my building, the first of the armed patrols had arrived as rumours spread that the very real fears of an Argentine Special Forces attack on the airfield had been realised.

It was some hours before things calmed down and an investigation began into what had caused such a flap. Of course, being the closest building to said toilets, suspicions that the culprit was close to home soon centred on yours truly but my vehement denials as well as my sergeants assertions that I had not left our office at any time meant that I escaped unpunished.

A few days later, the first shots were fired down South and the incident was forgotten but it has stuck with me ever since and the time has now come to put my hands up.

Not because I almost gave a senior officer a coronary or caused him a degree of embarrassment (after all, he screamed like a little girl and ran away) or because numerous police and soldiers ended up sending hours scouring the locality looking for non existent invaders, but because of my sergeant.

For not only did I almost cost him a twenty year career, his pension and a spell in military prison, but he spent the next five weeks terrified of shutting his eyes whilst we were on duty in case I actually did drop him in it. Mind you, that did mean I got all the sleeping time.

So sorry Tim. I hope you’ll be pleased to know I feel much better for getting that off my chest.

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football, soccer, comedy, cost of football, manchester united, liverpool, derby, watford

My latest novel, Wings of a Sparrow  is available in ebook and paperback format from either Amazon or iTunes.

The audio version of Top Dog is now available to download via the link and joins the ebook, paperback and movie to make the clean sweep of all platforms! Not too shabby if I say so myself.

And speaking of movies’, my next project will hopefully be announced at some point over the next month. It’s not a gangster or hooligan picture, it’s something very different. And it’s going to be a cracker.

RAF, army, military, forces, hooligan, british film, top dog, green street, self publishing, manchester united, liverpool, sex, maggie thatcher, veteran, UKIP, tory Argentina